


you can't give more than yourself

by greywardenblue



Category: October Daye Series - Seanan McGuire
Genre: Fictober 2019, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:00:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23172070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greywardenblue/pseuds/greywardenblue
Summary: May and Toby reminisce about family.
Relationships: May Daye & October "Toby" Daye
Kudos: 22





	you can't give more than yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts in this work:  
> “I never knew it could be this way.” & “You can’t give more than yourself.”

“There’s this joke,” May says. “Grandma buys her two grandsons water pistols for their birthday. The mother says, ‘mom, why would you do that? Don’t you remember how much you hated when we played with those?’. And the grandma smiles and says, ‘yes, darling, I remember’.”

Toby snorts. “That’s not even that funny.”

May shrugs. “Nah, I know it’s not that good. I just remembered it.”

In the backyard, a whole gang of fully-clothed young adults and teenagers ran around screaming and laughing, throwing water balloons at each other. There were her squires and her daughter, the Lorden boys and the Brown kids, the unusually warm summer day turning them all into little kids for once. Toby didn’t mind. None of them had enough time to be kids, anyway.

“I never knew it could be this way,” she said quietly.

May looked at her. “What do you mean?”

“You know more than most what I mean. A changeling girl in a noble’s court, dressed up like an awkward doll by her mother?” Toby shook her head. “It’s not even the fact that I didn’t have siblings… and I had Julie and Kerry and Stacy, but still… the way Mom would pull away from me sometimes, and the…” Toby looked down. “When Gillian was born, I didn’t…”

“I know,” May said softly. It was a relief, to have someone know and understand her darkest secrets, her most painful moments. She knew Tybalt would understand, of course, but telling him or anyone else would have involved _telling_. May just _knew_ , and Toby didn’t have to struggle to get the words out when they felt like knives in her throat.

It didn’t quite feel like knives when her mother touched her, but it hurt anyway.

“I never knew it could be this way,” she repeated, helpless. “There were so many things I didn’t know. I never understood why I felt I wasn’t good enough for my mother, but now I know, damnit. I was competing with someone I didn’t even know _existed_. No matter what I did, I never could have been her perfect girl, because she already had one.”

Her voice cracked at the last words, and she could feel the tears gathering in her eyes. She turned away, hoping the kids were too preoccupied to pay any attention to them.

“You gave everything you could,” May said, and she shifted closer to squeeze Toby’s hand in hers. “You can’t gave more than yourself. Do you understand? You gave everything, and it’s her fault that she didn’t know what she had.”

Toby curled against her side, not even trying to hold the tears back. “I wanted to be a good mother,” she said. “I wanted to be better. I wanted to be _there_. And Simon took that from me, and I can’t even be mad at him anymore. Even the anger was taken from me.”

May didn’t say anything, just held her, and that was alright. Toby didn’t notice how the world quieted around them until it was already a beat too late.

“Mom?” 

Toby sat up quickly and wiped her tears, but it was no use. Gillian stood next to her, and Toby could see the others far behind her, pretending they weren’t looking their way.

“Is everything okay?” Gillian asked.

“Your grandma kinda sucks,” May said before she could speak.

“Ah.” Gillian sat down next to her. At first she sat at a distance, without touching, but after a few seconds of hesitation she shifted closer and put her arms around Toby. “I don’t think you suck anymore,” she murmured. “Growing up without you sucked. Being kidnapped also sucked. A lot of this sucks. But I think you’re pretty cool.”

Toby held her daughter and cried, a hundred emotions rolling down her face.


End file.
